...transcending polarity

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~ words mean nothing (everything) to me ~


the year in review...

as it stands thus far:

i said goodbye to Piper. that was hard. it's still hard looking at her pictures, her bed, her toys. she was with us over 15 years and her crossing over the bridge was something i really thought i was ready for, but in the end, i certainly was not. and not so soon after Bodhi - it was too much. too hard. i still dream about her at least once a week.

we welcomed Dexter into the mix, a shelter rescue. he is all brute and fur. and sweet and mean. and funny. he is a kitten that acts like a puppy and he loves the snow. right now, he is 8 months old and weighs 11 pounds, so i'm thinking he will be quite large in a year or so.

my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in October. it was amazing. my Dad turned 70 the next week and my Mom turned 69 last month. it's funny, though, because i don't think of them as being 69 and 70. to me, they are Mom and Dad and they are going to live forever; i can't imagine anything else.

so, the household is me, Craig, Nikko, Stuart, Dewey, Otis Flywheel, Dexter, Mr. Hobbes and Miss Pippa. i am considering adopting 2 more ferrets, but with finances the way they are and no real upturn in the economy appearing to be happening anytime soon, it might have to wait. but soon.

my job is the same. not great, but not all gloom and doom (this week, anyway). it's a paycheck. and right now, that's pretty damned important. Craig has been out of work for the better part of this year and is trying to start his own business. so far, it's been slow going. but everything is slow going right now. nobody has a bunch of disposable income to throw at a contractor to rebuild a kitchen or bath. and those who do have a little to spend are either too paranoid to spend it (and rightfully so) or never had any intention of spending it in the first place. so, here we are...trapped in the amber of the moment...with bills to pay and no real money to pay them with. yet.

so basically, i am stuck in the same spot as last year, only moreso. is there any end to this? i wonder all the time if the middle-class lifestyle Craig and i worked so hard for is really worth anything at all. it seems to me that any misstep can spell disaster - and it wasn't that way when we landed here. it is just that way now. and maybe it won't be that way in a year or two, but right now, the struggle to stay afloat is more effort than i want to expend on something i don't really believe in in the first place. seems to me that this is all smoke and mirrors and for what? so we can have a house that we 'own'? we don't own a damn thing. the bank owns it. and the bank cares nothing for us and only for our money. it's not really all that different than renting, except now we pay taxes and all utilities and maintenance. joy. the American dream. blah...

so...what? what now? hell if i know.

i think i am to the point where i am now just going to go for it. i am tired of making careful decisions and trying to maintain normalcy (whatever that is) all around me. it doesn't fit into what i want my life to be and so it makes no sense. this 'real' job thing isn't me and i don't want to be 90 years old looking back on my life with regret. so far, i don't regret a single thing - but i have a nagging feeling that soon, very soon, if i don't just squeeze my eyes shut and jump, i will get stuck on this ledge forever. the middle-class ledge of hell. i don't want this. i want life.

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