...transcending polarity

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~ words mean nothing (everything) to me ~


year in review - oh yeah, another one


according to those who buy into the hype, this year heralds the end of mankind. honestly, i don't think we will all be so lucky. and if we are, well, good for us and good for the world. i say that with a bit of sarcasm, and maybe, too, a bit of seriousness. i am not sure that humans are or should be the ruling species on this planet. but that's a topic for another day.

i don't believe this year is the last year for human beings to grace the landscape of this fine planet, although i do admit that i hope there is some kind of revolution on the forefront - maybe an evolution of thought, one that throws off the chains of materialism and seeks to live life on a higher plane, a kind of renaissance of thought and a more compassionate and caring worldview in general. crazy talk, i know.

so what was 2011? a lot of introspection on my part. that, and overcoming fear. fear of what, exactly, i can't say. it's the kind of fear you just feel and you really can't name. and then anger. anger at what i see every single day around me. i could sit and stew and hate the world - and i admit there is a certain level of self-satisfaction in that - or i could just do what i want to do and live my life. i chose life. shrinking middle-class hell be damned.

2011 brought a few new family members as well. two ferrets, Titus and Mambo, and an iguana i call O'Ren Ishii. Titus was a baby when we picked him up and he's already larger than any adult male ferret we've ever had. Mambo is a rescue, a true albino, and loves to kiss and snuggle in hoodies. and Ishii is also a rescue - she's missing a small part of her tail and a front toe and has burn marks on her from previous owner neglect, but she's growing now and loves to hang out and be held, which i admit is pretty unusual for an iguana. we're designing her a permanent enclosure this year, one that will house her at full adult size which we estimate will be about 4 feet long and maybe 13-15 pounds.

unfortunately, we lost Mr. Hobbes, our longest living ferret to date. he was 9 years old (most ferrets live 6-8 years) and very attached to Miss Pippa. in fact, for 2 weeks after Hobbes died, Pippa had to be hand fed because she refused to eat or drink and almost died as well. that was hard. shortly after that, we rescued a ferret i named Veruca Salt from the local shelter and she made it 3 days before her heart gave out - she had been left in a carrier without food and water for at least 4 days and broke her teeth trying to chew her way out. her final days were full of warm food, Pedialyte and lots of lap time and pets. we really thought she was going to make it since on the second day she got up and went and found Craig to be held, but i think the damage was already done and her heart just couldn't take the shock she had suffered. ever since then, we have been on the list of ferret foster homes for SpokAnimal and will continue to care for ferrets in need, free of charge. a definite positive in our lives and something we know is necessary since so few people understand the needs of ferrets.

and what else? Craig has had a few jobs, most importantly my Mom and Dad's kitchen. we are still constructing his website and he's been doing a little work with his previous employer. all good news. he has also been playing a little poker off and on and winning a little there, too. he has even mentioned maybe trying to be a gaming dealer part-time until his business takes off, or maybe even going back to school to get a BA. it's up to him, and i want him to do what he wants to do, so whenever and whatever he decides...maybe a full update on all that mid-year or by 2013, assuming, of course, that the Mayans are wrong, heh.

as for me, it's a return to school for an MA in Communications. it has taken me over 2 years to decide and it wasn't without some truly agonizing nights of what ifs and whys. the money involved also terrified me, especially with only one consistent income right now. but, i feel it and i have to jump. i have to. i've been saying it for almost 2 years and it's time. why? because if i keep waiting, there will NEVER be a perfect time to do it. if i keep waiting, i just get older and more jaded. if i keep waiting, nothing changes - change has to start with me and it's time. period. i can choose to work to live and i am. living to work is not my thing and it never will be. i live to create. why fight it? eventually i see myself with a PhD teaching at university and having the time not only to create, but to help others create as well. and maybe then i will also have the time/knowledge/connections to work on starting a rescue and fostering a couple of children as well. goals that make me happy to think about and are good for the world. we'll see.

so that's where we sit now on the first day of 2012. hopefully get my official acceptance to GU in a week or so, start classes on the 18th and then 2012 will be a whirlwind of work and school and i am truly looking forward to it. a good year for change.




strong mind, stronger will
will you play with me?

invincible, unbendable
will you stay with me?

fuck me with the fury
i unleash on you

- make me new -

this ephemeral me
yours to subdue.





well, happy new year!

it doesn't feel any different, in case anybody was wondering.


resolutions? not me. they just end up being broken promises to myself by February and that's depressing.

but...i have to do something. something...different. it's a new year, 2010 sucked overall and i am ready to move on. move on in life, that is. so, how can i do that and not feel like the bottom fell out?

i already feel like i'm on the edge of the abyss. i already feel unstable and unsure. can't get much worse, right? it's not like i have a lot of money to lose. and i don't really have much more time to waste trying to decide if this is more worth waiting for or that is more worth going for right now...

so, to start with - no unrealistic bullshit and no promising myself (or anybody else) anything i don't really want to do. that's my first thing.

1. see above sentence.
2. repeat above sentence.
3. make sleep a priority.

i can do those things. i will find some measure of success, i know, and i will be compelled to keep going.

and then...

i think i need to make myself believe that i am worth it. whatever it is. that will be something i work on every single day this year. and i will write to myself every day, too. not to my journal, but to ME. i will remind myself of my better attributes and i know i might not have a lot to write about at first, but over time i just might dig up some stuff i had forgotten or i didn't realize and that just might make me smile (or laugh hysterically) and then...well...that's all. there is nothing more to this one.

and my bucket list. it's short:

die happy.

so, i need to figure out what i need to do or have done in order for this to happen whenever it might be.

this is easy. and it's impossible.

yay 2011.



the year in review...

as it stands thus far:

i said goodbye to Piper. that was hard. it's still hard looking at her pictures, her bed, her toys. she was with us over 15 years and her crossing over the bridge was something i really thought i was ready for, but in the end, i certainly was not. and not so soon after Bodhi - it was too much. too hard. i still dream about her at least once a week.

we welcomed Dexter into the mix, a shelter rescue. he is all brute and fur. and sweet and mean. and funny. he is a kitten that acts like a puppy and he loves the snow. right now, he is 8 months old and weighs 11 pounds, so i'm thinking he will be quite large in a year or so.

my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in October. it was amazing. my Dad turned 70 the next week and my Mom turned 69 last month. it's funny, though, because i don't think of them as being 69 and 70. to me, they are Mom and Dad and they are going to live forever; i can't imagine anything else.

so, the household is me, Craig, Nikko, Stuart, Dewey, Otis Flywheel, Dexter, Mr. Hobbes and Miss Pippa. i am considering adopting 2 more ferrets, but with finances the way they are and no real upturn in the economy appearing to be happening anytime soon, it might have to wait. but soon.

my job is the same. not great, but not all gloom and doom (this week, anyway). it's a paycheck. and right now, that's pretty damned important. Craig has been out of work for the better part of this year and is trying to start his own business. so far, it's been slow going. but everything is slow going right now. nobody has a bunch of disposable income to throw at a contractor to rebuild a kitchen or bath. and those who do have a little to spend are either too paranoid to spend it (and rightfully so) or never had any intention of spending it in the first place. so, here we are...trapped in the amber of the moment...with bills to pay and no real money to pay them with. yet.

so basically, i am stuck in the same spot as last year, only moreso. is there any end to this? i wonder all the time if the middle-class lifestyle Craig and i worked so hard for is really worth anything at all. it seems to me that any misstep can spell disaster - and it wasn't that way when we landed here. it is just that way now. and maybe it won't be that way in a year or two, but right now, the struggle to stay afloat is more effort than i want to expend on something i don't really believe in in the first place. seems to me that this is all smoke and mirrors and for what? so we can have a house that we 'own'? we don't own a damn thing. the bank owns it. and the bank cares nothing for us and only for our money. it's not really all that different than renting, except now we pay taxes and all utilities and maintenance. joy. the American dream. blah...

so...what? what now? hell if i know.

i think i am to the point where i am now just going to go for it. i am tired of making careful decisions and trying to maintain normalcy (whatever that is) all around me. it doesn't fit into what i want my life to be and so it makes no sense. this 'real' job thing isn't me and i don't want to be 90 years old looking back on my life with regret. so far, i don't regret a single thing - but i have a nagging feeling that soon, very soon, if i don't just squeeze my eyes shut and jump, i will get stuck on this ledge forever. the middle-class ledge of hell. i don't want this. i want life.


Spider One

The world is a tunnel of death;
it's hard to concentrate with
low-flying conversation overhead.

She stalks only the twins, the girls,
her faces mirror his moods -
together in isolation, partners in desolation,
condemned by genetic mutation.

Her gift to him is rollercoaster fury
tempered with indifference. He is
the long-forgotten ruby slipper essence
when she was single in a relative sense.

Now he is one among the sleepless,
never alone and always by himself.
He is going to line them up
(in real life there are no quick fixes)
and mow them down in sixes.

The gun is in a golf bag in the garage.

He fires it up and flips, one by one,
through each fine fuzzy frame;
his characters are very much alive
in his own home movie and
tonight the stars revolt!





I dream treason to my truest self,
that which is not born of me. I swallow
the bitterness that surges
into the back of my throat;
I choke it down. I pretend not to see
the glimpse of the kestrel harlot
I encounter each morning.
I whet my beak and sharpen my claws.
She folds her wings and lingers
in the shadow of the eaves of my lids
ever vigilant for new and exciting prey.

I cut her free and I am all that a starling is not.




Mr. Nobody

I've lost him, I think.
I don't know.

No, I do know.

I know all too well that look;
the black hole eyes that see only red, red rage.
The lights are on, but nobody's home
- Mr. Nobody to you, fucker -
only there is somebody home
and that somebody only wants
to hurt to stop the pain.

His eyes are lit with power and fury;
it consumes him and I understand.

I want to go with him.
I want to bring him back.

But I am only his sister that knows,
so I hug him and I hope.

Stupid hope.



~ in transit ~